Just what makes a great relationship?

I was talking with a client last week and she was telling me that she had met the love of her life and it all felt so right. It had been a while and we chatted about the work she had done to prepare herself for a great, healthy, fulfilling relationship and as Valentine’s Day is coming up soon I thought we’d explore this a bit today. Also below are details of the webinar I am giving next Wednesday about relationships – do join us if you can, there will also be a recording if the time is not good for you.

So what does makes a great relationship?

Some of you may already be in a relationship but do read on because everything we are talking about today is still relevant. With my client she had done a lot of work around understanding herself and her needs better. She had thought deeply about what she thought a relationship was about, so she could understand why she wanted one.

Unlike the past it was not because she needed someone in her life to ‘fill that hole’ but rather because she wanted to share who she was with someone who appreciated that and was open to sharing themselves too. This sharing is about sharing love, time, interests, and the journey of life. When love is based on sharing rather than needing it has a much lighter feel to it.

I learnt early on in my relationship that it is not about putting my happiness in my partners’ hands. That is such a huge ask and is totally unreasonable demand of anyone. We are all responsible for our own happiness and then once we have taken that responsibility we can then share it with our partner.

You have to understand yourself first

The work my client was talking about before she met the love of her life was the work of ‘understanding who we are’.  Rarely do we take the time to step back from our everyday life and unpack the box called “Jessica” or “John” or ‘Amy” and get to know ourselves better. We are always too busy doing life that we forget to choose who we wish to be.

And that overflows into our relationships too. They become by rote rather than by choice. We stop seeing each other and appreciating each other.  Or we start to play the guessing game and try to please them so that we don’t have to do the work to make the relationship dynamic.  I drove Beatrice mad in the early days of our relationship as I was always playing the pleasing game – it drove her up the wall, because she wanted me to please myself – and then share that happy person with her.   Playing the pleasing game puts a huge strain on the other person.

I often work with people around their relationships. They come to me because the life the have created is not making them happy and relationships can be a huge part of that. Problem is that our happiness does not come from outside of ourselves, but is something that comes from within.  By putting the focus back on yourself for  a while you can begin to create the life, including the relationship that you want.

It comes from being in touch with our true Self, whatever that means for us individually and it does take effort. Effort to create clear communication, even when we are hassled and tired and stressed. Effort to understand how we love and how that love gets communicated. Effort to put our relationships centre stage.

I know Valentines Day is coming up next month but romance is not just one day a year. It is for every day in those little things we can do for each other and who we can be together.

Does this resonate with you? Do you feel you could do with taking a step back to understand yourself better so you can truly be you in your relationship? If so perhaps you’d like to drop me a line and we can have a chat about unpacking the box called You and learning about who you wish to be in your life.

The Seven Keys to a Great Relationship

Because relationships are so key I am gave a webinar in January. If you’d like to watch it you can see it on my free resources page.   We looked at the things I have mentioned here today plus how with just a little extra effort you can make your relationship the best ever. That must be worth an hour of your time!